The Ocean Floor

V2.5     Melb Oct 2023

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Tight, constricted, wrapped in a thick blanket of dread.

It leaches into my coffee, leaving bitterness on my tongue.

I walk to the park to find no relief, no spaciousness, no light from my dark tunnel.

The weight of my predicament strains my knees, it digs into my shoulders.

My heart sinking, shrinking.

My mind swimming in viscous resistance.

Every thought a struggle, even action forced through deep malaise.

I'm lost, directionless, trapped in a cage I built myself unable to find the key, buried in darkness.

Underneath all of this is something more disturbing, the shame.

That I allowed this, I let it happen, I didn't stand my ground.

Oh sure the indignation of being taken advantage of is easy and more palatable but lurking is the shadows of denial, the unspoken is there.

Waiting for me to glimpse and turn away again… and again.

Unwilling to hold its gaze, afraid to face the truth, unable to summon the courage to face myself.

So much easier to revel in the blame.

Too quick to complain about who did this.... when all along I refuse to acknowledge the culprit hiding inside.

It sits outside my shower, watching me, never allowing me to feel clean.

It fades in and out of my reflection in countless office windows, subliminal, subconscious, subterranean monster of guilt.

The unspeakable echo fighting for recognition, growing more powerful on my bleak rejection.

Eating away at my intestines, burn my lungs, undermining my thoughts, shortening my breath.

Sticking at the back of my throat choking my words, stealing my self worth at every turn.

I'll do anything not to face it, every distraction welcome, every source of pleasure milked for all its worth.

And still it eats away, feasting on my insides, until I'm hollowed out.

The dull clang of my soul as it rattles around in blind agony.

Depleted, empty, bereft of hope.

My buoyancy deflated I sink to the bottom of the ocean.

No tears come, shamed out of its healing power in a childhood I'd rather forget.

The sea floor is silent, I scream but no sound emerges.

Falling back into the bottomless abyss of dejection.

It's here is the stillness, in the emptiness, in the depths of my suffering and anguish the answer comes.

To finally face myself and reconcile the inescapable truth with clarity.

It's here I see the bold possibility of change.

As the path opens up before me I rise, confidence growing, full of purpose.

My sails flutter with the first puffs of aspiration.

I will fight to be free.

I will push back at the cage, I will tear it apart.

No matter the time it takes, the effort required, the courage needed.

I will prevail, I will climb out of this dank pitiful hole.

I will find a way to rectify my mistakes, my conviction solid as steel.

I'm ready for the war, prepared to be bloodied, bruised and battered but not surrender.

Lucky I didn't know the incredible endurance it would take.

Lucky I didn't know the mud I would be dragged through.

I look back in wonder at my unshakeable perseverance.

Where did I find the strength, to stand as a wall to be bombarded relentlessly and never crumble.

We never know the power that resides inside until the time comes to test its mettle.

The scars are still healing.

I've learn the soothing relief of crying once again.

I've learned to open up and love again but will never allowed to be taken for granted again.

The silent promise of the ocean floor to protect my heart no matter the price, to be free to love but never lose myself again.