So Much Bitter And Sweeter

In a world rationing tenderness, parched of hugs. I've come to convince my friends to embrace them longer, sweeter, more honest and heartfelt ♥️

I've come to yearn for tears, to relish their arrival. How was I ever convinced to suppress them. No more, no more. I cherish them as joy, sadness and laughter, all welcome on my grateful cheeks.

I scratch my chin, how can I inject more dancing, drawing, creation, expression, art, music or mischief throughout my week to release this playful energy.

There is not enough love in this world, so I offer all I can and I’ll take love in any form it comes 🧡

It takes courage to hold my heart open, to all the darkness and light alike.

To feel it all, to drink deeper from the rich river of experience with less aversion and desire.

Open to what is offered.

To see the sweetness hiding in the mundane and celebrate its fleeting deliciousness.

As the breeze caresses leaves and flowers in the garden, I’m drawn to awe, my heart swoons with its flow. The faint waft of floral tones and damp soil.

The news comes as a thud, a dear friends passing, the pain erupts in my chest, I flee no more. Determined to allow the sadness and loss to burn through my body. The tears cut deep grooves of release, followed by trembling that loosens grief from my bones. 

A pair of birds chirp me awake from a distant dream, their burbling softens my being, a love song to each other bestowed on me.

Her words land sharp and cold, dripping blame and disapproval. My stomach tightens, but I don’t flinch away. I breathe, smile, say nothing. Let her judgment wash over me without taking root. Allowing myself to be misunderstood, even disliked. A new freedom hard won.

We sit on the porch after two weeks of deep healing to celebrate with a joint. The tart smoke singes my tongue and lungs. Raucous laughter spills from her gleeful mouth, something foolish I said, the ripples reverberate through us. A giggle spawns a new wave, infectious, irresistible, soothing and warm. We sigh in deep satisfaction, never more unguarded, never more free.

I hang up the phone aghast, how could he even say that? Clenched tight, forgetting everything I know. My chest constricts, the old patterns creep back in, unwelcome  guests. I catch myself mid spiral, shallow breath. Awareness comes as a balm with sweet relief. The return again and again to what I know is true.

I race through the front door in a whirl. I'm late, I'm late again, shit! I dump everything in my hands and scramble around searching, shorts, sunblock, drink bottle. Should I shave? Where's my power bank? I need to pee. All the while calculating: time deficit plus current madness plus travel time equals disaster.

Then I feel it. The tightness, the vortex, the swirling anxiety, the inescapable pull of time, sucking me into its ferocious spin. I freeze in my tracks. 

A few long breaths and it all dissolves away. It takes effort initially to bring myself to go slower, to accept reality and fall back into it rather than resist. I can be late. I can let go. I can take my time. I can enjoy this moment without the frenzied panic.

I start to hum. Take my time to pee. Carefully, deliberately select what I need. Finally at the front door, a long pause to think. Oh yeah, I said I'd bring a music speaker

Out the door, on my bike, riding as slow as I can. Humming, breathing, relaxed in my lateness.

A stranger walks towards me. I look directly into his eyes, my smile warm and tender. The reflection bright and genuine. We brush past each other to savour the magic of being fully alive.

As time drifts in a silent current, gradually I glimpse the gap between how things should be and how they actually are. This usually unseen rift holds my suffering. When I release my grip the tightness falls away to a spacious calmness. I settle into what already is.

It is in the forest that I see the clearest reflection of my true nature. Honest, visceral. Haphazard butterflies, tumbling, flirting, chasing. A lizard escaping my presence until my motionlessness creates curiosity. 

The flow of a stream as leaves detach from their home to float in a death spiral, elegant and fleeting, plunging into the current to be swept away. The vast unassailable sky of drifting clouds renders my worries as inconsequential. 

Mirrored in every swoop and scurry. Rain comes as drizzle, as a balm, as elixir. Also as a terrifying storm. In its breathtaking extremes and balance I find my way, ever stumbling, ever soaring. In time I learn to feel the current, to sync with its flow... mostly.

I have found at my core a love so radiant and powerful. I use it to dampen the fear, the judgment and tension. Not get rid of them but to form a new relationship. Guilt, shame, unworthiness, all are welcome but must come through the heart to be seen and heard in the light. No longer driving me from the shadows. What remains is self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and self-love. How humbling it is to offer those to all I meet.

I’m drawn back by this ebb and flow, a gentle tug back to my breath, back to my body. My awareness opens outward, beyond the swirling mind, into the boundless.

From here I see, none of this is me, all of this is me.

I am everything and nothing in each moment ✨️ ❤️

It would be easy to retreat to here, to try to live from here or to escape to here. The still point in the flux. But this is not living, it is but half of being. My consciousness meets reality with impact and gentleness alike. 

My challenge is to feel everything but not be consumed by it. To ride the edge of the whirlpool but not be swallowed by it. My anchor to detachment a vital lifeline but to have the courage to meet experience with the full range of humanness is an honesty I can't evade, nor want to.

I am still everything and nothing. 

And everything is... so much bitter and sweeter.